“Never, as long as you live, give anyone power over you - whether your son, wife, brother, or friend. As long as you have breath in your body, don’t let anyone lead your life for you.” -Sirach 33:19-20
Good fences… Good neighbors
Recently, a priest from the Diocese of Erie greeted me after Mass. He was here people in the area and said how nice it was to be warmly welcomed to church. (You never know who’s in the audience!) We must always to strive to be a place of welcome, hospitality and friendliness. As the TV evangelist, Joel Osteen, in Lakewood Church, Houston, TX says, “If you’re ever in the Houston area, you’re always welcome here. We’ll make you feel right at home!”
Each February, I like to attend the auto show at the David L. Lawrence Convention Center in downtown Pittsburgh. During the 2nd week of January each year, there is a Consumer Electronics Show in Las Vegas, NV. It is amazing to see how many descend on those two shows, from far and wide to check out the newest models and gadgets hitting the market, which promise to enhance and improve the quality of our lives.
The latest technological innovations allow us to manage time more efficiently, maintain a wider circle of connections and help us to stay organized with our planning strategies in our service to others. I’m sure there are many advantageous positives as technology advances, however, there can be minuses that might be sometimes overlooked. When one is “plugged into” the world of electronic media, whether through cell phones, smart phones, iPad, Facebook, Skyping or the internet, it can be possible for family, friends, coworkers, and even employers to reach us at any time of the day or night. This can mistakenly give us the sense that we must always be on duty, constantly being approachable or available to others, causing us to live in the “emergency room” mode. This is not always the best way to operate. When I served as chaplain, I would often say that I must be “off” on my off days, in order to be “on” on those days in which I was working. If I did not hit the “pause button” for down, quiet or Sabbath time, the accelerator of life's pace could easily get me off course.
Perhaps, another down side to being constantly plugged in to electronic media, is that we can become so busy trying to return phone calls, responding to text messages and answering emails, that we can lose focus. This can cause us to become disconnected from those things which are most important, namely, our spiritual, emotional and psychological wellbeing—our relationship with God, family and friends.
If we fail to be aware of what is happening in the deepest core of our being, we can become out of touch with reality, off kilter, agitated or upset. We must have enough rest and recreation, whether it be taking a walk, reading a book, joining friends for dinner, enjoying a sporting event or going to church. These activities exist to re-charge us, providing a reprieve from daily challenges. Without designating a “divine appointment” for contemplative prayer, our endless motion can easily become mechanical, routine, draining, and may even lead to burnout, causing us to resent the task that we are responsible for.
The American poet, Robert Frost (1874-1963), said “Good fences make good neighbors.” Just as we put physical fences around the borders of our properties, which designate our personal space so that areas are not trespassed on or violated, so, too, when we have healthy or personal boundaries, it makes for healthier relationships. These invisible boundaries help us to interact effectively, allowing others to feel safe in connecting with us.
Sometimes boundaries can become blurred if they are not clearly defined. For instance, those with enmeshed boundaries tend to be too close, too needy or too dependent on others. They tend to be very concerned with others’ opinions of them and they compromise their own values to avoid conflict. They readily share personal information and have a difficult time saying “no” to requests made of them. Some people have rigid boundaries. They tend to keep others at arm’s length and rarely share personal information about themselves, talk about their feelings or request help.
It is important that our boundaries remain clearly defined, so that we and others feel safe in knowing there are no violations of personal space or time. Whether professional, pastoral or personal boundaries, they must kept balanced, ensuring our safety and the safety of others. This encourages us to keep balance in our own lives in order to attend to self-care, such as, adequate rest, regular exercise, good eating habits and healthy peer relationships.
One must be in touch with one’s own feelings, limits and weaknesses at all times. These include the emotional, physical and spiritual limits. One must seek the proper support, through trusted friendships, wise counselors, mature mentors and loving family members. It is important that one be cautious of even subtle violations that can build up over time, which can have problematic consequences, even if they don’t cross legal or ethical standards.
Recently, a team of our staff met with Terry O’Rourke Donahue, President of Our Lady of Sacred Heart High School in Moon Twp. to discuss the possibility of hosting our Pre-Cana Instructions at their facility. Pre-Cana is offered 3 times a year at St. Joseph. We serve over 300 couples per year, and have outgrown our current space in which we hold instructions, so we sought to serve the needs of a larger community by forging a healthy relationship with our neighbors. Terry proudly explained the good things happening at OLSH, showing us the theatre which has a capacity of 216, the cafeteria, classrooms and spacious courtyard as well as the Stations of the Cross and the Peace Labyrinth on the campus. We visited the Chapel, where several sisters were in Eucharist Adoration. I remarked that it was like a dream come true, to descend on this holy and special place so that our Pre-Cana couples could leave the demands of everyday life, to enjoy a retreat atmosphere, to reflect seriously and discern prayerfully upon the biggest step of their lives. Jesus says, “For everyone who asks, receives; the one who seeks, finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.” Luke 11:10 Jesus implores us to keep asking, keep knocking, keep seeking, and to never lose heart or hope. As Paul VI said, “To live, it is necessary to pray.”
